Love in the Time of Corona: What Our Marriage Looks Like This Season

Okay, y’all. It’s about to get real on the blog this week.

March 13, 2020 was the official start of self-isolation for us. Days turned into weeks which turned into months of living pretty much 24/7 within earshot of each other. Days/Weeks/Months of eating lunch with the same person every day. Days/Weeks/Months of not having very little outside interaction.

So how are we holding up? Has our marriage survived coronavirus?

That’s what you’re going to be finding out today. Below you’ll find a few questions posed to each of us (Amanda and Jonathan) during the time of self-isolation. Enjoy getting the inside scoop of how we’re staying a couple in love during the COVID crisis. Nothing too deep. Something fun and light is what we all need sometimes.

What is the hardest part about being home with your spouse all day?

A: It’s not that hard, honestly, and I’ve gotten used to it. We have our own space, thankfully. Maybe something difficult is when one of us is recording something like a video for work and the other unintentionally makes noise.

J: It’s easy to think it’s the weekend when both are home all day, which can give you the feeling that you can slack with work. Also being able to eat together and talk can make lunch break a little longer than usual. But that’s not necessarily bad. If you are both in the same room working, it’s easy to get distracted cause my wife is the most attractive woman in the world. (A: awwe, thanks!)

What do you enjoy most about being home with your spouse all day?

A: It’s nice to be able to eat meals together or run something by him real quick. I also love that we can exercise and go outside together! Also fun? Blanket forts and hanging out on the deck with our work.

J: Living on the same schedule. Getting up and going to bed at the same time, and eating together! Also having a fresh, home cooked meal is pretty amazing! I am a lucky guy!

You know the game about being stranded on an isolated island, but this time you’re stranded in your house. Is there anything or anyone else you’d like to be stranded with currently?

A: If we had a piano, that would be great.

J: I’d like to be stranded somewhere else! If I can work from anymore, which it shows that I pretty much can, then why not have my ‘home office’ in Hawaii, Bali, or New Zealand?

In your view, how has your marriage changed (if at all) as a result of self-isolation?

A: I don’t think it has really changed. Maybe it’s gotten better because we have more time together to talk things out and get things done together. Now is the perfect time to get house projects completed, and we’ve managed to do several with minimal difference of personality issues that we’re famous for, haha!

J: Every day impacts your marriage. So, yes, COVID-19 has definitely affected our marriage. I feel it has become stronger. We are fighting together against this crazy virus: Exercising, eating more healthy, wiping things down with Clorox etc. A common enemy unites lol. Also being able to spend 24/7 with each other is a privilege in a way! I would be struggling if I was alone to be honest.

Have you learned anything new about your spouse lately?

A: Hmm. That’s tough. I recently found out that his nostalgia (and boy is he nostalgic!) goes as far as downloading an app on his iPhone that acts like playing snake on a Nokia. Thought that was cute. He’s also...really…loud and doesn’t realize he’s quite loud. Or maybe I’m just extra sensitive? Who knows.

J: That introverts are dealing much better with lock downs than extroverts!

What is a piece of advice you have for a couple during corona time?

A: Even though you spend the whole day together, it’s still important to set time aside to be a couple. Having a weekly date night where you don’t discuss work or the to-do list but focus instead on growing as a couple is really important to keep your relationship strong. It’s easy to fall into the trap of “oh, well we see each other all day, so we don’t need to do anything fun together.” It’s also okay and very healthy to take breaks from each other!

J: Stay healthy and encourage each other, don’t waste this special time you have been given, but do uplifting activities together. Go hike, sync your routines and enjoy yourself (while following the guidelines of the state and health authorities)! “Normality” will eventually come back and you will want some great memories from when you lived through the wild year of 2020!

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Are you at home with family? How has this season affected your relationships?

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Making Long Distance Relationships Work

A while ago, I wrote about the truth (according to me) of long distance relationships (LDR). For a while after that, I got a few emails asking for some practical tips to making LDRs work. Since I can’t really speak for anyone else, I decided to share my personal experience and the things that helped us stay [mostly] sane during our season of long distance. It really can work out! J and I were 7000km and 8 time zones apart. Actually, both sets of our parents also spent time doing long distance in the era of no Skype! Maybe it runs in our blood?

I’m sharing some things that will help your long distance relationship be successful!

Set Goals

The whole goal of our relationship from the very beginning was marriage, and because it was a mindset of ours, long distance, though annoying, wasn’t too terrible a thing.

Communication

THIS IS KEY! And something I personally had to work on (and still am….). Because you’re so far away and can’t see each other, being able to communicate and express yourselves is important. Bonus: when all you can do is talk and communicate, you get to know each other so, so well.

Do Things “Together”

Well into our relationship, the most irritating thing to me was the feeling that we were both living separate lives. When we talked, we would just fill each other in on things we had done that day and talk about things we were going to do with others, etc. It was pretty depressing at times. We decided to start doing more things “together.” You can get creative with this, but some ideas are reading the same book or working on a project together. A friend and I used to stream shows at the same time while skyping. I’ve even studied and skyped. It was like having the person in the room - just not.

Snail Mail

Never underestimate the power of snail mail. Seriously. I love putting together packages and mailing cards. I also love receiving said things. Chances are, you do too - and so will your significant other!

See Each Other as Often as Possible

It can be hard to see each other, especially when you are far apart and wallets aren’t very full. But make the effort to do it as much as you can. Plan your next visits; make bucket lists of things to do and eat while you’re together. And countdown to make it extra exciting.

Set Boundaries

Not seeing each other for long periods of time and then suddenly getting a large dose is sometimes like letting a candy-deprived kid loose in a candy store - it could end up with a tummy ache and a lot of regret. Avoid these after effects by setting boundaries and holding each other accountable for them. Maintaining purity can be hard sometimes, but not impossible. Set boundaries so you can honor each other and ultimately God.

Get creative

We’ve celebrated birthdays and anniversaries over skype. Light a candle and blow it out. Send a CD with instructions. Send flowers from the local flower shop. The ideas are endless!

Prioritize Your Relationship

Need I say more? You will get out what you put in. If you want your relationship to work, don’t constantly put it on the backburner. If you don’t intentionally approach your relationships, they won’t be beneficial to you or the other party. This does not only apply to long distance relationships, or even romantic ones, by the way! Cultivating relationships is what makes them last!

Have God as the Center

We can’t truly love the way God loves, if His love is not in us. Having God at the center of your relationship is key.

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10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Getting into an Intercultural Relationship

Interracial and intercultural relationships are becoming more and more normal these days with the world opening up as a global world. Growing up, I had interracial parents from very different backgrounds, and so it didn’t seem strange when my husband and I got together and have been making it work.

I decided that in honor of Loving Day, I would share a few things that I wish I knew before getting into an intercultural relationship.

One. Knowing your spouse’s mother tongue will help so much in understanding where they are coming from. Language is deeply connected with culture and understanding that what might be a literally translated idiom from one tongue could be an insult to another could possibly be the prevention of World War Three in your home. Trust me. There have been so many times where one of of has had to say (kindly, of course), “Well I know in [your language] you say [this], but in [my language] it can be taken as [this].” On the other hand, if you know each other so well and are switching between languages in your home, it’s easy to forget to mention this, and you end up offending someone outside of your home. But that is another story, heh.

Two. Your living possibilities suddenly expand. I mean, yes, you can always live wherever you want in the world, but once you marry someone from a different country, the process usually becomes a tad easier. While we live in a country where neither of us are from, we have some strange kind of peace of mind that we have options in case something happens.

Three. Travel becomes special. You develop a love for your spouse’s country and it becomes a second home for you. You have people from all over the world to visit. It also becomes extra special when you get to explore new countries and cultures with each other!

Four. Your culinary tastes will expand. Chances are that your spouse’s culture eats differently than yours! This could, of course, be good or bad. But if you’re an adventurous eater like I am, then it definitely is a good thing. I enjoy learning how to make specialties from my husband’s country, and I love sharing favourites from mine with him! When we go to international markets, we are like little kids running up and down the aisles and drop far too much money to share these special indulgences with each other.

Five. Your home has its own culture. While your past plays a part in how your home culture turns out, it’s important to focus on making it yours - together. That may mean taking things you love about one culture and omitting things that are not as desirable. Focusing on building your own family is important, rather than trying to hold on selfishly to one way or another. Compromise is good, but blending is even better!

Six. Home is where the heart is. While it may be hard to leave family behind (a possibility when marrying someone from a different country), it is an adventure to start a new one. When so far away from those you grew up with and who are near and dear to your heart, you learn to lean on God and your spouse to get you through that. Sometimes you only have each other and that is okay.

Seven. There are still people out there who disagree with interracial marriages, but that doesn’t have to get you down. Just because people might automatically assume certain things, doesn’t mean your relationship is not valid. These situations can be great when turned into teaching moments. Certain comments may hurt, but learn to let them slide. Everyone is at a different level of understanding, and some people might not even know that they are being offensive.

Eight. Humans are humans. Humans are very different, and yet very similar. Even though we might have different physical appearances or cultural backgrounds, we all have similar needs and longings, but just various ways of expressing them.

Nine. Communication style varies across cultures, but it’s important nonetheless. Any relationship, romantic or not, depends on communication. Understanding where the other person is coming from and how certain things are communicated is important. It will also help you avoid a lot of unnecessary hurt due to misunderstandings. Communicate, communicate, communicate! And yes, it is much easier said than done sometimes.

Ten. True love is unconditional. I think I’ll leave it at that for now.

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Are you or anyone you know in an intercultural or interracial relationship? Tell me about it in the comments below!

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On Adding Value

The other night, my husband turned to me and said the sweetest thing:

“You add value to my life.”

It really got me thinking. I’m always trying to be intentional about what I add to my life, but am I intentional about what I add to the lives of those around me?

I’d like to think that that I always try to be considerate and intentional with my interactions, but sometimes it’s easy to let our words or behaviour slip through the cracks. Today, I want to explore a few broad guidelines to keep in mind when interacting with others intentionally that will help you add value to their lives.

Consider Your Words

This may be obvious, but being careful of the words we choose is important. Do we inspire and encourage, or do we mock and tear down? Are our words too few or too many? Are we too quick to speak or accuse?

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29, ESV)

It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman. (Proverbs 21:19, ESV)

Whoever mocks the poor insults his Maker; he who is glad at calamity will not go unpunished.(Proverbs 17:5, ESV)

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.

(1 Thessalonians 5:11, ESV)

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; (James 1:19, ESV)

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent.(Proverbs 17:28, ESV)

Consider Your Actions

Think about your actions and interactions. What we DO is louder than what we SAY. How do we treat others and how might they perceive our actions? How do we act even when we don't think others are watching (by the way, someone is always watching). Do our actions stem from our hearts - or do we just "act good" without having our heart in it?

Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. (Haggai 1:5, ESV)

For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. (James 1:23-25, ESV)

Consider Service

What do we do for others that can add value to their lives? It could be as simple as a smile, a hug, a cup of tea. Maybe some time together sharing that cup of tea. Do we meet greater needs too? Do we have an ear that listens, an eye that pays attention to basic needs that need to be met...simple consideration for others? We may tell someone that Jesus loves them, but do we show them Jesus' love?

What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead. (James 2:14-17, ESV)

Consider Everything

What you put into your life, you’ll get [and give] out. I think I'll just let Paul finish off this one:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. (Philippians 4:8, ESV)

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How do others add value to your life? How do you try adding value to others?

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The Crucial Element in a Long Distance Relationship

Question: What was the crucial element that helped your long distance relationship?

I guess quite a few of you must be in long distance relationships, because I get this question quite often. In a globalized world, I suppose dating or even being married long distance is getting more common.

Let’s see…

My husband and I spent 3 years in a long distance relationship before getting engaged. With the Atlantic Ocean between us, it did not always make it easy (or affordable for students - which we were at the time) to spend time with each other in person. We calculated it the other day, and the time spent face-to-face during that time added up to between 7 and 8 months. While that is not a lot, we did talk almost every day.

Modern technology is fantastic for that and allowed us to stay in almost constant communication (as constant as an 8-hour time difference can allow for anyway…). If it wasn’t letter writing and emails, we could text and video chat - something our parents were not able to do in their own long distance relationships!

Did I mention that even our parents did the same crazy thing? Must be genetic.

Anyhow, despite a large time difference, insane cultural differences, and the fact that we were on different continents, it all still somehow worked out.

To answer your question, there were several factors that affected our successful (in my eyes) long distance relationship. I actually wrote a blog post about it a while ago called, “The Three C’s of Long Distance Dating.” You’ll have to visit to find out what those C’s are and to find some really fun ideas for your own long distance relationship.

But really it all boiled down to intentionality.

I know I use that word a lot, and it’s the theme of this entire website, but it really is true.

Intentionality was the one crucial element that helped our long distance relationship. We chose to make it work, which made every element something we intentionally thought about. Before we even started dating, we knew we were in it for the goal of marriage - and if that didn’t happen, that was okay. But we didn’t see the point of even going through such an ordeal without a goal in mind. What good would that have been?

We intentionally talked about core values with each other, but most importantly, we really tried to intentionally keep our relationship a God-centered one.

Practically, we had to be sure we were reaching out to each other and that the limited time we had to talk was used wisely and we were not distracted with other things. I’m not even kidding when I say that we often created agendas as if we were entering a board meeting before talking. That way we didn’t forget what we needed to share or talk about. There were several resources we used and developed to guide our conversations as well.

All of this is not to say that we have stopped being intentional in our relationship now that we are married - not at all! It’s just that intentionality in our relationship looks a tad different now that we are married.

But more on that dynamic in a different post!

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Have you been in/are you in a long distance relationship? What was the crucial element that helped you?

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